Philippine jokes

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo?? Police: DNA na...

REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???

Police: "Di Namin Alam "

Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya

Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical

Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"

"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano

ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!

TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"

Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun sa pwesto ng manager natin na kamamatay lang?

Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya.

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba ang tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?

bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?

bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!

Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?

Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!

Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:

Bush: "Lets help one another..."

Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. .."

Bush: "...let's strive together..."

Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."

Bush: "...because in union there is strength."

Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"

Erap writing on a slum book: Favorite Actor:

Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)

Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)

Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)

Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)

Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)

Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)

Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)

Arnold Clavio

Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka

Pare 2: Madali lang yan pre, sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)

Pare 1: Di pa rin e

Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)

Pare 1: Wala pa rin

Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo uli isundot sa bibig mo ... pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!

Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?

Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..basta pareho po yan walang laman!

Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan? Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!

ANG NAKARAAN....

May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga? DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!

SA PAGPAPATULOY. ... Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang resulta

ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila! =)

TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?

STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!

TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.

JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell. ?

ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.

FPJ: Anong problema?

ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...

FPJ: Anong title?

ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"

BUNSO: Tay , may multo daw sa kusina natin?

TATAY: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sa iyo nyan?

BUNSO: Si ate po!

TATAY: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! Wala namang multo eh! Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at iinom lang ako ng tubig...

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....

TINDERO: Wala kame ubas

KINABUKASAN??

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas.....

TINDERO: Wala kame ubas

KINABUKASAN ULIT??

BATA: Mama, pabili nga po ng ubas....

TINDERO: Sinabi na ngang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko na yang bibig mo!

AT KINABUKASAN NA NAMAN ULIT??

BATA: Mama, may stapler kayo?

TINDERO: Wala..

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas

PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?!?!

ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...

MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?

MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe! Hik,

MRS: Lasing ka no? MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik

MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?

Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?

Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?

Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.

Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?

The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...

Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!

Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!

Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!

Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?

Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?

Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?

Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.

Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po... manawagan na kayo.

Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!

Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera. Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung talagang daddy mo nga yung nasa loob!"

Five (5) lessons about the way we treat people.

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke.

I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely, " said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door.

To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. " Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away". Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. Now you have 2 choices. 1 Delete this email, or 2. Forward it other people. I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember. Most importantly..................

"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching." NOW more than ever - Peace...

Management Lesson

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?

Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not? "

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass ."

Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."

36 Christian Ways to Reduce Stress

An Angel says, "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."

1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and uncluttered your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K..M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus."
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most.
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe
36. Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.

GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Health and Sanity

19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9 As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're not in the Mood.

16 . Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Bottom."

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

'Fake' Eggs in China?

Is this True?

During a recent raid on a wholesale centre in Guangzhou city, the capital of China 's Guangdong province, a large quantity of fake eggs was seized.

Their wholesale price is 0.15 yuan (S$0.03) each - half the price of a real egg.
Consumers have a hard time telling a genuine egg from a fake one. This is good news for unscrupulous entrepreneurs, who are even conducting three-day courses in the production of artificial eggs for less than S$150.

A reporter with Hong Kong-based Chinese magazine East Week enrolled in one such course.
To create egg white, the instructor - a woman in her 20s - used assorted ingredients such as gelatin, an unknown powder, benzoic acid, coagulating material and even alum, which is normally used for industrial processes.

For egg yolk, some lemon-yellow colouring powder is mixed to a liquid and the concoction stirred. The liquid is then poured into a round-shaped plastic mould and mixed with so-called 'magic water', which contains calcium chloride.

This gives the 'yolk' a thin outer membrane, firming it up. The egg is then shaped with a mould. The shell is not forgotten. Paraffin wax and an unidentified white liquid are poured onto the fake egg, which is then left to dry.

The artificial egg can be fried sunny-side up or steamed. Although bubbles appear on the white of the egg, those who have tasted it say the fake stuff tastes very much like the real thing.

But experts warn of the danger of eating fake eggs. Not only do they not contain any nutrients, a Hong Kong Chinese University professor warned that long-term consumption of alum could cause dementia

Age 50.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at newsagents to buy a newspaper.Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald 's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girlreplies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,"Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.

Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,and says,"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's! "

Barangay Tahimik

Natuloy na. Call sa Friday. May alam sa tabi ng Kembangan, pero na uwi sa Lau Pa Sat. Ok lang din.

Pagkakataon na mag-meet ang mga boys dahil may license na ang mga Mister to attend from mga Misses.

Ito ang ebidensya. Long time no hear dahil busy ang lahat.

Wala lang baka gusto mag get together ulit, chicka chika lang. Mahirap dami plano pa... kaya biglaan na lang.

Gusto sa Friday night, dyan sa Kembangan dahil may Satay at Chinese Food restaurant na ok naman price, kahit 1 or 2 for the road lang, or suggest kayo place like buffet or steam boat.

Hindi bale sa Lau Pa Sat na. Happy ang lahat.

Dementia Test

Test for Dementia
Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race! You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you areabsolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question: V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... .Maybe.

Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfullyexpresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair ofsunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like you!

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE

A Story of Real Love

This is a story from University of the Philippines (Diliman) about a young college girl who passed away last month.Her name was Summera. She was hit by a dumper truck. She had a boyfriend named Arif. Both of them were true lovers. They always hung on the phone.

You could never see her without her cell phone. In fact she also changed her phone from Globe to Smart, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost and get good network coverage. She spent half of the day talking with Arif. Summera's family knew about their relationship. Arif was very close with Summera's family. (Just imagine their love). Before she passed away she always told her friends "If I pass away please bury me with my hand phone" she also said the same thing to her parents. After her death, people couldn't carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn't, everybody including me, had tried to carry the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually,they called a Feng Shui Master. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here". Then her friends told the Master about her intentions to bury her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and places her phone and SIM card inside The casket. After that they tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked.

Summera's parents did not inform Arif that Summera had passed away. After 2 weeks Arif called Summera,s mom. Arif:"I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me.Dont tell Summera that I'm coming home today, I wanna surprise her." Her mother replied..... "You come home first, I wanna tell you something very important." after he came, they told him the truth about Summera. Arif thought that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said "don't try to fool me - tell Summera to come out, i have a gift for her Please stop this nonsense".

Then they showed him her grave. He said... "It's not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me. Arif was shaking. Suddenly, his phone rang. "See this is from Summera, see this..." he showed the phone to Summera,s family. All of them told him to answer. He talked using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard his conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It was the actual voice of Summera & there was no way others could use her SIM card since It was nailed inside the coffin. They were so shocked and asked for the Feng Shuie Master's help again. The Master brought his co-masters to solve this matter. He & his co-masters worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing...

Smart has the best coverage. Where ever you go,their network follows!

Doctor's advice regarding diets and exercise (Part 2)

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

Doctor's advice regarding diets and exercise (Part I)

From Melo:

Health Question and Answer session:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Do you want to work today?

Feel like working today? Or tommorrow? Or the next day after?

An e-mail with this title came with pictures of monkeys shaking their heads. But unable to put the pictures online in this article of the monkeys shaking their heads so placed above picture instead.

Today is a holiday. Suppose to be no work today but a few people are in the office working to do some testing. A critical activity to do or otherwise project will go downstream. Not upstream.

Anyway Happy Vesak day!

Indian stock market

According to the fundsupermarket, the best performing mutual funds based on 5 year annualized performance are those funds that invest in the Indian stock market. Other great performers are those mutual funds specializing in Malaysia and Singapore. See the list in below link:

http://www.fundsupermart.com/main/fundinfo/topFunds.svdo

Not far behind are other funds that invest in the Philippine stock market. For instance, Lion Capital Philippines fund. The Philippine economy is picking up in recent years. In fact this fund is being sold way below the introductory price a few years back before the Asian crisis. The fund is now moving steadily upwards. This maybe a good bargain following recent news about the Philippine economy. See below link:

http://www.fundsupermart.com/main/fundinfo/viewFund.svdo?sedolnumber=370071

Emerging markets are the best performers in recent years. A question now is whether to invest on stocks or real estate. The real estate market is rising in value every where in Asia. But it is more an asset bubble or a true reflection of value. See below article on purchasing property.

http://globalnation.inquirer.net/propertyfocus/propertyfocus/view_article.php?article_id=62428

Virus Alert

Message from my friend Jophy from India on a virus:

You should be alert during the next days:

Do not open any message with an attached file called "Invitation" regardless of who sent it.

It is a virus that opens an Olympic Torch which "burns" the whole hard disc C of your computer.

This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address in his/her contact list. It is better to receive this message 25 times than to receive the virus and open it.

If you receive a mail called "invitation" , though sent by a friend, do not open it and shut down your computer immediately.

This is the Worst virus announced by CNN, it has been classified by Microsoft as the most destructive virus ever.

This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and there is no repair yet for this kind of virus.

This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept.

What is the lesson? Decline any invitation you may receive in the coming days to be safe.

God save the kings

Ever wonder what our names mean?

contributed by:

CARMELO

Gender: Masculine

Usage: Spanish

Pronounced: kahr-ME-lo Spanish masculine form of CARMEL - From the title of the Virgin Mary Our Lady of Carmel. (Karmel) (meaning "garden" in Hebrew) is a mountain in Israel mentioned in the Old Testament. It was the site of several Christian monasteries.

RICARDO

Gender: Masculine

Usage: Spanish, Portuguese

Pronounced: ree-KAHR-do Spanish and Portuguese form of RICHARD - Means "brave power", derived from the Germanic elements ric "power, rule" and hard "brave, hardy". The Normans introduced this name to Britain. It was borne by three kings of England including Richard the Lionheart, leader of the Third Crusade in the 12th century. Two German opera composers, Richard Wagner and Richard Strauss, have also had this name.

FREDERICK

Gender: Masculine

Usage: English

Pronounced: FRED-ur-ik, FRED-rik From a Germanic name meaning "peaceful ruler", derived from frid "peace" and ric "ruler, power". Several rulers of Prussia, Germany and the Holy Roman Empire have borne this name, including the 13th-century patron of the arts Frederick II of Germany, and the 18th-century Frederick II of Prussia, known as Frederick the Great. Another famous bearer was Frederick Douglass, an American ex-slave who became a leading advocate of abolition.

ABIGAIL

Gender: Feminine

Usage: English, German, Biblical Pronounced: AB-i-gayl (English), AH-bee-giel (German) From the Hebrew name ('Avigayil) meaning "my father is joy". In the Old Testament this is the name of the wife of Nabal. After he was killed she became the third wife of King David.

VICTORIA

Gender: Feminine

Usage: English, Spanish, Romanian, Ancient Roman Pronounced: vik-TOR-ee-a (English) Feminine form of VICTORIUS. This name was borne by a long-reigning queen of England. A Canadian city bears this name in her honour, as well as an Australian state and several other geographic areas. Also means "victory" in Latin. Victoria was the Roman goddess of victory.

ROQUE

Gender: Masculine

Message: Spanish, Portuguese Pronounced: RO-ke (Spanish) Spanish and Portuguese form of ROCCO - Italian name derived from the Germanic element hrok meaning "rest". This was name of a 14th-century saint who nursed victims of the plague but eventually contracted the disease himself. He is the patron saint of the sick.

Work slowdown

It's been 18 years since I joined a Swedish company. Working for them has proven to be an interesting experience. Any project here takes 2 years to be finalized, even if the idea is simple and brilliant. It's a rule. Globalize processes have caused in us (all over the world) a general sense of searching for immediate results. Therefore, we have come to posses a need to see immediate results.

This contrasts greatly with the slow movements of the Swedish. They, on the other hand, debate, debate, debate, hold x quantity of meetings and work with a slowdown scheme. At the end, this always yields better results. Said in another words:1. Sweden is about the size of San Pablo, a state in Brazil.2. Sweden has 2 million inhabitants.3. Stockholm, has 500,000 people.4. Volvo, Escania, Ericsson, Electrolux, Nokia are some of its renowned companies.

The first time I was in Sweden, one of my colleagues picked me up at the hotel every morning. It was September, bit cold and snowy. We would arrive early at the company and he would park far away from the entrance (2000 employees drive their car to work). The first day, I didn't say anything, either the second or third. One morning I asked, "Do you have a fixed parking space? I've noticed we park far from the entrance even when there are no other cars in the lot." To which he replied, "Since we're here early we'll have time to walk, and whoever gets in late will be late and need a place closer to the door. Don't you think? Imagine my face.

Nowadays, there's a movement in Europe name Slow Food. This movement establishes that people should eat and drink slowly, with enough time to taste their food, spend time with the family, friends, without rushing. Slow Food is against its counterpart: the spirit of Fast Food and what it stands for as a lifestyle. Slow Food is the basis for a bigger movement called Slow Europe, as mentioned by Business Week. Basically, the movement questions the sense of "hurry" and "craziness" generated by globalization, fueled by the desire of "having in quantity" (life status) versus "having with quality", "life quality" or the "quality of being". French people, even though they work 35 hours per week, are more productive than Americans or British. Germans have established 28.8 hour workweeks and have seen their productivity been driven up by 20%.

This slow attitude has brought forth the US's attention, pupils of the fast and the "do it now!".This no-rush attitude doesn't represent doing less or having a lower productivity. It means working and doing things with greater quality, productivity, perfection, with attention to detail and less stress. It means reestablishing family values, friends, free and leisure time. Taking the "now", present and concrete, versus the "global", undefined and anonymous. It means taking humans' essential values, the simplicity of living.It stands for a less coercive work environment, more happy, lighter and more productive where humans enjoy doing what they know best how to do.

It's time to stop and think on how companies need to develop serious quality with no-rush that will increase productivity and the quality of products and services, without losing the essence of spirit.In the movie, Scent of a Woman, there's a scene where Al Pacino asks a girl to dance and she replies, "I can't, my boyfriend will be here any minute now". To which Al responds, "A life is lived in an instant". Then they dance to a tango.

Many of us live our lives running behind time, but we only reach it when we die of a heart attack or in a car accident rushing to be on time. Others are so anxious of living the future that they forget to live the present, which is the only time that truly exists. We all have equal time throughout the world. No one has more or less. The difference lies in how each one of us does with our time. We need to live each moment. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

Congratulations for reading till the end of this message. There are many who will have stopped in the middle so as not to waste time in this globalize world.

-contributed by Abby

Miss Universe

Last weekend, watching the beauty contest reminds us about the importance of getting foreign talent. Importing overseas resources improves the local pool. It increases the sophistication by having more worldly assets. But often the reaction is not good because the local team may feel threatened. So the normal reaction maybe to look for better opportunities overseas.

Perhaps one way to keep the resident talent is to increase their pay. But not really a good way as life is not all about money. Or is it? What about the foreign talents that come on board? Are they adequately paid? At a deeper level, what is the relation between a beauty contest and higher pay? I don’t know. I wonder where this is leading to.

Let’s see. The winner of a beauty contest is normally the prettiest. So the beauty contest winner will get the prize which is usually a lot of money. Hence, the most beautiful talent may also be the one with the most money. A logical conclusion? Perhaps. So can we say that foreign talents should be paid more? Wait a minute. Is there a link between foreign talent, beauty contest and higher pay?

But maybe we are getting somewhere. We all know that movie stars get a lot of money. In fact, some movie stars are former beauty contest winners and most often are wealthy and famous. So what is the final conclusion? To get more money, join a beauty contest or be a movie star. Being a foreign talent may also be an added advantage. Make sense?

Mystery blogger

Welcome to the world of blogging. Someone has just started a blog joining the thousands created every day. Who could it be? Lots of blogs are created anonymously or with pen names preferring to keep their identity secret. Just like me.

But still blogging is fun to do. A world wide craze loosely called web 2.0. The first wave was the internet. The second wave is where tools like blogging exist. To express ourselves and create a community plus earn money via web advertising.

It's the future. So who is the mystery blogger? Who knows? Maybe it's just the person beside you. Look at the blog site below and have fun. Check out also the cafe photo slide show near bottom right.

http://traveltips-newtravellers.blogspot.com

By the way, nanganak na si Kris. She gave birth to a second son. Good luck. See below related video in You Tube.

http://www.youtube.com/?v=fe96EdPs_84

Invest in the market

Earning money in the stock market seem to be a good way to earn money these days. For instance, buying IPOs or initial public offering of new companies listing in SGX is one promising way. See the recent performance of IPOs such as Citispring.

Now how can simple folks like us participate in the booming stock market? Some say the best way is to buy mutual funds. Others say the best way is to buy index funds. But its also important to know your risk tolerance and investment time frame.

Most books on investing say the best strategy is to invest for the long term for at least 5 years or more. Other books advise to diversify. For instance, invest in different sectors like telecommunication or property but also buy blue chips companies to minimize risk.

The prudent way to start maybe is to consult a licensed financial advisor. Also read books on stock investment, attend free courses sponsored by the library or SGX and consult websites to learn more such as:

http://www.fundsupermart.com/

http://www.sgx.com/

http://dl.nlb.gov.sg/victoria/2007/03/fundamentals_of_investing_and.html

Remember don't rush to invest but learn more about your investment style and the market. Otherwise it may be more prudent to keep your money under the mattress or bet in a casino.

Sudden rain

We were caught in the rain and could not get back to the office after lunch. So we talked about our best movies of all time. Here are some of the list as I recall..

List # 1

1. Lord of the Rings trilogy

2. Star Wars series

3. Sound of Music

List # 2

1. Apocalypse Now

2. Gandhi

3. Good Fellas

List # 3

1. The Sound of Music

2. Gone with the Wind

3. Sleepless in Seattle

List # 4

1. Jurassic Park series

2. Back to the Future series

3. Mama Mia musical

The little prince

We received a gift today at lunch time. The classic book 'The Little Prince.' Supposed to be a timeless story still relevant to read even as an adult. I haven't read the book yet. Not really a children's book.

Studies show more than fifty percent of the millions of blogs created every year are written by people who are aged 19 and younger. So writing blogs and reading 'The Little Prince maybe a sign that we are getting younger.

Video blogs

New features added like news reels and video feeds from You tube. Also, video clips will be posted to show happenings in the city. Good way to see what is happening around the island.

Friends posted in other countries can check out the site with the latest news and videos. See below video on mini guitar concert last Monday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3wV0A920cw

Easter holiday

New feature added to the cafe blog: news reels to catch the latest headlines. See right below.

Suppose to be fasting during the holy week. No chance as had crepes with strawberry for breakfast today. Still no meat so a slim excuse still exists. Will try to skip lunch today. Not really to observe the holy week rituals but to lose weight. Need to lose about 10 kg by June this year. Ha ha ha..

Back in the Philippines, holy week is usually spent going to beach resorts or to the provinces with the family for a short vacation. But no chance to be solemn and respectful during the most important time in the Christian faith. Instead, time spent more lazing in the beach and drinking San Miguel beer.

The only time solemnity is observed is when watching the holy week parades in the streets in the early evenings. The parades are organized by the local Catholic church I think to herald the Spanish prince and princes who defeated the Moors long again in Spain. A tradition left long ago from the Spanish occupation.

A more grisly procession is when penitents walk the streets whipping themselves with sharp whips or have themselves crucified in crosses. A bloody spectacle seen usually along the main highway in the provinces of Pampanga on the way to Baguio city - the summer capital. All these memories are starting to make me hungry.

Losing weight

Getting older makes us gain weight. The stomach starts to bulge and the body get out of shape. What to do?

Start a contest to lose weight by June. What are the results of the coffee barkada?

1. Join a health club but no time to go. After a few months, stop the membership and join a yoga class. Wait for the next chapter (or hintayin ang susunod na kabanata).

2. Pretend that losing weight is easy. With June nearing, still need to lose more than 10 kilos and rising. Panic time so do fasting during the Holy Week. Maybe praying will help too.

3. Go on a diet while travelling to China and Thailand and get impressive results. Lose 10 kilos in 3 weeks. But recently gone binge eating - consuming Doritos and cake. Gained back some kilos.

4. Don't eat after 6 pm.

5. Eat as much as you want but don't swallow the food. Like a monkey.

Less than 2 months to go before June.

Politics going left?

Survey in the week of 26 March 2007 show left-of-center political party 'Bayan Muna' ahead in the polls. But the administration counter that polls are more accurate as election date approaches. Despite the government claims, leftist politicians are making a strong comeback. The plight of left leaning politicians like Satur Ocampo seem to indicate an attempt to muzzle the left prior to the coming elections.

The last time the political left showed a strong presence was in the early 1970's prior to the declaration of martial law. But the conditions are now different. Principally the fall of Soviet Union and the rise of capitalism in Eastern Europe and China. So the rising left seem to be countered by underground rightist squads with links to the military. This is seen in a recent study highlighted by human rights organizations. But these reactions seem more an exception rather than the rule.

A possible outcome in the next election is the rise of left-leaning politicians with populist views similar to South America. Latin American countries offer a good example as the Philippines share the same historical and cultural background being former colonies of Spain. Populist leaders now dominate the political scene in Venezuela, Peru, Columbia and Brazil. Is the Philippines headed the same way? This maybe a welcome development in the long run as it moves away from leftist extreme of armed struggle into the more mainstream political arena of elections.

What do you think?

Taking care of pets

A friend of mine has a pet snake and assorted creatures like an iguana. He has an amazing picture of a large snake, a python I think coiled around his neck.

Another friend grew up with a lot of cats. The fur they left around the house sticks in his childhood memories. Later he moved to another household with 5 dogs who kept barking all day. Much later in life, after constructing his own place, he ruled that no pets are allowed in his new abode.

Another friend took care of the family dog. He would walk the dog in the evenings to poo and one night, the dog knocked his glasses off in some park. He searched for his glasses in the dark while the dog licked his face. Later he said that he caught a big fly while studying in the university and stuck a pin in it then left it atop his desk. I don't know if both incidents are related.

For me, I remember I had a turtle when I was a kid. I kicked the turtle down the stairs and it bled and later died. Many years later, I still regret doing that to the turtle. We also had a dog or two who later died of old age. The dogs were helpful in keeping the burglars away during the night.

As good as it gets

My friend had a dream but woke to reality the longer he stayed. So what to do?

I don't know. Dreams are like wishful thinking. Maybe it's like going into a nice looking restaurant and expecting good food. But the food does not taste good once served. So what to do?

If you're in your lunch break with limited time, maybe just finish the food. Or maybe complain to the cook and have the food changed (if that's possible because the next serving may taste as bad). Or perhaps just leave and insist on a refund and find another restaurant.

Or maybe it's an acquired taste like eating durian or escargot (snails) or horse meat . It just takes getting used to. In this case perhaps a change of mind set (or taste buds) or frame of reference is required.

Perhaps we should enjoy what we have now because it maybe the best experience we will ever have in our life. But we just don't know it yet. What do you think?

Cubicle freedom

Rumour has it that top companies allow it's employees to choose the layout, contents and accessories of their own cubicles. So the cubicles in these offices will have mini basketball courts, hammocks, beach chairs and what have you depending on the individual quirks of their employees. All free as paid by the company.

The idea is to motivate the employees (or slaves?) to work more. In fact, morale is reputedly high in these places. But do these little things really matter?

In other words, the material surroundings are important in giving the proper motivation. To put it simply, it's in the carpeting. But it's not the carpeting or the cubicle layout that really matters but maybe the idea of giving employees the freedom to choose how their work area will look.

It's really the reflection of the company's soul and not the carpeting. Sounds like a good idea, no?

Plastic surgery for office workers

Movie stars and entertainers often have facelifts and plastic surgery to improve their looks. Nakakatulong sa kanilang mga careers. Sometimes it gives them new movie roles and extend their working life in the spotlight.

But what about salaried workers? Will having a facelift help in getting a promotion? Or improve their job prospects or even avoid getting retrenched? Hindi ko alam kung meron research na ginawa para dito.

So the question: Is there some way to invest in something to help improve the careers of office workers similar to plastic surgery for entertainers. Ano kaya?

Conversation over coffee or tea

What is Ang Himala Cafe? A virtual coffee shop where comments and blogs can be posted anytime and anywhere from Bangkok, Singapore, Canada or Manila, atbp.

Read the latest headlines in the Philippines and Singapore. Post your comments on the news.

A miracle (or himala) ? Yes so get into the habit of blogging.. be a blogger.

So post conversation over a cup or coffee, tea, kopi-o, ice milk tea atbp. O ano pa and hinintay ninyo?? start blogging...