Filipino Jokes

> *A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, "What are NITRATES?
> The student replied shyly, "Ma'am, sa motel po.
> NITRATES are higher than day rates!"**
>
> *
> *Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...
> Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala
> niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
> Diego: Alam ko.
> Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
> Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.**
>
> *
> *WHO'S GUILTY?
> Wife dreaming in the middle of the night
> suddenly shouts, "Quick, my husband is back!"
> Man gets up, jumps out the window and realizes, "Damn! I am the husband!"
> **
> *
>
> *Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?
> Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
> Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin
> nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!**
> *
> *Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
> Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
> Toto: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya**!
> *
>
> *Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
> Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
> Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
> Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
> Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!** *
>
> *Lito: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
> Joseph: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?!
> Ang H2O ay water! At
> ang CO2... cold water.**
> *
>
> *Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
> Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
> sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
> Naunang namatay si Dado.
> Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
> "Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?" usisa ni Rodel.
> "Oo naman!" tugon ni Dado.
> "Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel."O,ano, meron bang basketbol sa
> langit?"
> Sagot ni Dado, "May maganda at masama akong
> balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
> kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!" (ngek!)**
>
> *
> *Usapan ng dalawang bata...
> Junjun: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, 'yang
> Pacific Ocean , siyaang humukay nun!
> Pedrito: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo ' yungDead Sea ?
> Junjun: Oo...
> Pedrito: Siya ang pumatay nun!**
>
> *
> *Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?
> Sir: What are my choices?
> Stewardess: Yes or No.**
>
> *
> *Misis: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway
> Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
> Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito,away roon! Mabuti pa
> siguro, sumama na ako sa 'yo!**
>
> *
> *Misis: Delayed ako nang one month pero huwag mo munang
> ipagsabi.Nahihiya ako...
> Mister: Okey.
> Kinabukasan, dumating ang taga-Meralco. ..
> Taga-Meralco: Misis, delayed po kayo ng onemonth.
> Misis: Ha? Bakit mo alam?
> Taga-Meralco: Nasa record po.
> Mister: Bakit Naka-record diyan na delayed ang misis ko?
> Taga-Meralco: Kung gusto ninyong mawala sarecord, magbayad kayo!
> Mister: Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
> Taga-Meralco: Puputulan kayo!
> Mister: Eh anong gagamitin ni misis?
> Tag-Meralco: Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila.**
>
> *
> *Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
> ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
> DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan parin!**
> *
> *What is the difference between a girlfriend,a call girl and a wife?
> Sagot: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.** *
>
> *Sa isang classroom...
> Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
> Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
> Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.**
>
> *
> *Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay
> kaming kumain. Ngayong
> mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
> Pedro: Baligtad yata?
> Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!**
>
> *
> *Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano
> raw ang propesyon mo.
> Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
> Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
> Itay: 'Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car!**
>
> *
> *Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya
> ang kanyang misis na may
> katalik na lalaki sakama...
> Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
> Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
> Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANGUSAPAN!**
>
> *
> *Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
> Harry: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
> Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
> Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
> Rodrigo: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
> Harry: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins! *
>

Happy Father's Day

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your money or life... The wives want both!

Marriage is like a public toilet - Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied
with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because there is always a better model in the neighborhood.

**Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

**Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

**Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself

**Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

**A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

**It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she is in love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

**It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

**Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen of them.*

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suitit fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

he salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Interesting Secret Service Perspective

*Reading a book about the Secret Service where they reveal an awful lot
about the presidents and Vice Presidents...very interesting recap thus far.*
*JFK and LBJ** = Philanderers of the highest order. Both kept a lot of
women in White House for affairs. Both set up "early warning" systems for
if and when their wives were nearby. Total immoral men. In addition, LBJ was
as crude as the day is long.*

*Nixon **= Weird, moral man but very odd and weird. Paranoid etc. Horrible
relationship with his family, almost a recluse.**

** Agnew** = nice, decent man, everyone was surprised at his downfall.**

**Ford **= A true gentlemen who treated them with respect and dignity**
*
*Jimmy Carter** = A complete phony who would portray one picture of
himself to public and very different in private. I.E. Would be
shown carrying his own luggage, suit cases were always empty, he kept empty
ones just for photo op's. Wanted the people to see him as pious and a non
drinker, he and family drank alcohol a lot. Had disdain for the Secret
Service, and was very irresponsible with the "football" nuclear codes.
Didn't think it was a big deal and would keep military aides at a great
distance. Would never acknowledge military or Secret service they were there
to serve him.**

**Ronald Reagan** = the real deal. Moral, Honest, respectful and dignified.
Treated Secret Service and everyone else with respect and honor. Would
always thank everyone all the time. He took the time to know everyone on a
personal level. One story was early on in Presidency the President came out
of his room with a side arm attached to his hip. The Agent in charge said
"Why the pistol Mr. President." Ronald Reagan replied, "In case you boys
can't get the job done, I can help." It was common for him to carry a
pistol. People do not know that when he met with Gorbachev, he had a pistol
in his briefcase.**
Upon learning that Gary Hart was caught with Donna Rice during the election
Ronald Reagan said, "Boys will be boys, but boys will not be President"
*
*Nancy Reagan** = Very nice but very protective of the President...the
Secret Service was always caught in the middle. Nancy would try to control
what the President ate all the time (healthy) and he would say to the
Agent "come on you gotta help me out." The Reagan's rarely drank alcohol.
Secret Service said they could count on one hand the times the Reagan's were
served alcohol other than wine during dinner. They made the comment for all
the fake bluster of the Carters it was the Reagan's who lived life as
genuinely moral people.**

* *George and Barbara Bush** = extremely kind and considerate. Always
respectful. Took great care in making sure the agents comforts were taken
care of. They would bring them meals etc. One time Barbara Bush brought
warm clothes to agents standing outside a Kennebunkport . One agent who was
given a warm hat tried to nicely say no thanks when he was obviously
freezing and President Bush said "Son, don't argue with the first lady, put
the hat on. "Out of their way to take care of the Secret Service and made
sure they were well cared for with meals and other comforts. GW was the most
prompt of the Presidents. He ran like a well oiled mach*

* **Bill Clinton** = Presidency was one giant party. Not trustworthy, he was
nice because he wanted everyone to like him but life is just one big game
and party to him.**

**Hillary Clinton** = another phony. Personality would change the instant
cameras were near. She hated with open disdain the military and Secret
Service. Again another* *one who felt people are there to serve her. She was
always trying to keep tabs on Bill Clinton...*

*Al Gore** = An egotistical ass who was once overheard by his Secret Service
detail when he told his son he needed to do better in school or he "would
end up like these guys" and pointed to the agents.**

**G W Bush** = they loved him and Laura Bush. They said no one is a nicer
person than Laura Bush who never has a harsh word to say about anyone. He
was also the most in shape that had a very strict work out regimen. The
Bush's made sure their entire administration understood to respect and be
considerate of the Secret Service. Karl Rove was the one who was the most
caring of the Secret Service in the administration*.

Marcos' Burial

Early reports had it that VP Jejomar Binay had completed his recommendation to the Pres. Noynoy Aquino on the proper burial rites for Pres. Ferdinand E. Marcos. The recommendation is burial in Ilocos Norte with full military honors, but not in Libingan ng mga Bayani here in Manila as was originally debated and endorsed by more than 200 congressmen. The proposed burial honors has been reportedly accepted by the Marcos family, and on TV Patrol last night the viewers, in majority, seem to favor the recommendation. This seems to be a "win-win" solution to a problem that has nagged the Filipino people for over two decades now. Military honors cannot be denied of a former soldier and, more importantly, a former commander-in-chief, while not burying Mr. Marcos' body in the hallowed Libingan ng mga Bayani did not allow for the unfair and absurd revision of history. Marcos, after all, is not a hero. This will finally put a closure to this case which
has hounded us for a very long time and made us a laughing stock in the world. Hope this time Imelda will not change her mind and finally allow her husband to rest in peace.

P-Noy has tossed this difficult problem to Binay, and the latter came out with what seems to be a "fair" recommendation. Now the ball is in his court. P-Noy needs to act, and act presidentially on this issue.

"Rambotito" Binay keeps scoring good points for all the challenges that had been hurled to him. He seems to be a pragmatic politician and a man of action - one who will not turn his back from a good fight. The Makati residents are one in chanting good praises for him.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.
___




Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Woman Golfer

Only Golfers will have the patience to read through this one but it has a pretty good punch line...


A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.

They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.

"When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him.

If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."