PARAPROSDOKIANS

PARAPROSDOKIANS - Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.


Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Filipino Jokes

> *A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, "What are NITRATES?
> The student replied shyly, "Ma'am, sa motel po.
> NITRATES are higher than day rates!"**
>
> *
> *Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...
> Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala
> niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
> Diego: Alam ko.
> Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
> Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.**
>
> *
> *WHO'S GUILTY?
> Wife dreaming in the middle of the night
> suddenly shouts, "Quick, my husband is back!"
> Man gets up, jumps out the window and realizes, "Damn! I am the husband!"
> **
> *
>
> *Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?
> Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
> Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin
> nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!**
> *
> *Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
> Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
> Toto: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya**!
> *
>
> *Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
> Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
> Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
> Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
> Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!** *
>
> *Lito: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
> Joseph: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?!
> Ang H2O ay water! At
> ang CO2... cold water.**
> *
>
> *Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
> Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
> sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
> Naunang namatay si Dado.
> Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
> "Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?" usisa ni Rodel.
> "Oo naman!" tugon ni Dado.
> "Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel."O,ano, meron bang basketbol sa
> langit?"
> Sagot ni Dado, "May maganda at masama akong
> balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
> kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!" (ngek!)**
>
> *
> *Usapan ng dalawang bata...
> Junjun: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, 'yang
> Pacific Ocean , siyaang humukay nun!
> Pedrito: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo ' yungDead Sea ?
> Junjun: Oo...
> Pedrito: Siya ang pumatay nun!**
>
> *
> *Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?
> Sir: What are my choices?
> Stewardess: Yes or No.**
>
> *
> *Misis: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway
> Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
> Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito,away roon! Mabuti pa
> siguro, sumama na ako sa 'yo!**
>
> *
> *Misis: Delayed ako nang one month pero huwag mo munang
> ipagsabi.Nahihiya ako...
> Mister: Okey.
> Kinabukasan, dumating ang taga-Meralco. ..
> Taga-Meralco: Misis, delayed po kayo ng onemonth.
> Misis: Ha? Bakit mo alam?
> Taga-Meralco: Nasa record po.
> Mister: Bakit Naka-record diyan na delayed ang misis ko?
> Taga-Meralco: Kung gusto ninyong mawala sarecord, magbayad kayo!
> Mister: Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
> Taga-Meralco: Puputulan kayo!
> Mister: Eh anong gagamitin ni misis?
> Tag-Meralco: Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila.**
>
> *
> *Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
> ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
> DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan parin!**
> *
> *What is the difference between a girlfriend,a call girl and a wife?
> Sagot: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.** *
>
> *Sa isang classroom...
> Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
> Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
> Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.**
>
> *
> *Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay
> kaming kumain. Ngayong
> mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
> Pedro: Baligtad yata?
> Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!**
>
> *
> *Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano
> raw ang propesyon mo.
> Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
> Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
> Itay: 'Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car!**
>
> *
> *Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya
> ang kanyang misis na may
> katalik na lalaki sakama...
> Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
> Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
> Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANGUSAPAN!**
>
> *
> *Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
> Harry: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
> Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
> Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
> Rodrigo: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
> Harry: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins! *
>