Philippine jokes

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo?? Police: DNA na...

REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???

Police: "Di Namin Alam "

Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya

Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical

Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"

"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano

ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!

TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"

Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun sa pwesto ng manager natin na kamamatay lang?

Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya.

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba ang tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?

bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?

bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!

Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?

Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!

Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:

Bush: "Lets help one another..."

Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. .."

Bush: "...let's strive together..."

Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."

Bush: "...because in union there is strength."

Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"

Erap writing on a slum book: Favorite Actor:

Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)

Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)

Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)

Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)

Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)

Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)

Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)

Arnold Clavio

Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka

Pare 2: Madali lang yan pre, sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)

Pare 1: Di pa rin e

Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)

Pare 1: Wala pa rin

Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo uli isundot sa bibig mo ... pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!

Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?

Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..basta pareho po yan walang laman!

Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan? Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!

ANG NAKARAAN....

May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga? DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!

SA PAGPAPATULOY. ... Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang resulta

ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila! =)

TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?

STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!

TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.

JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell. ?

ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.

FPJ: Anong problema?

ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...

FPJ: Anong title?

ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"

BUNSO: Tay , may multo daw sa kusina natin?

TATAY: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sa iyo nyan?

BUNSO: Si ate po!

TATAY: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! Wala namang multo eh! Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at iinom lang ako ng tubig...

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....

TINDERO: Wala kame ubas

KINABUKASAN??

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas.....

TINDERO: Wala kame ubas

KINABUKASAN ULIT??

BATA: Mama, pabili nga po ng ubas....

TINDERO: Sinabi na ngang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko na yang bibig mo!

AT KINABUKASAN NA NAMAN ULIT??

BATA: Mama, may stapler kayo?

TINDERO: Wala..

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas

PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?!?!

ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...

MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?

MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe! Hik,

MRS: Lasing ka no? MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik

MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?

Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?

Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?

Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.

Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?

The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...

Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!

Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!

Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!

Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?

Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?

Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?

Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.

Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po... manawagan na kayo.

Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!

Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera. Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung talagang daddy mo nga yung nasa loob!"

Five (5) lessons about the way we treat people.

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke.

I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely, " said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door.

To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. " Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away". Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. Now you have 2 choices. 1 Delete this email, or 2. Forward it other people. I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember. Most importantly..................

"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching." NOW more than ever - Peace...