Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies

1) I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to
you if I fail to get the position.

2) You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3) Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4) I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order
it was received.

5) Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


6) The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.


7) Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You
are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

8) Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC
for my response.


9)I've run away to join a different circus.

10) I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

English - Tagalog Dictionary - UPDATED!

Iba to! (updated version)

01) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
02) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
03) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
04) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
05) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
06) Devastation - sakayan ng bus
07) Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
08) Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
09) Tissue - Ikaw nga!
10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
13) Deduct - Ang pato
14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
16) Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
18) Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
19) Persuading - Unang Kasal
20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
22) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
23) It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
24) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
25) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION)
26) Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian
27) Profit - Patunayan mo
28) Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
29) Backlog - bacon saka egg
30) Beehive - magpakatino ka
31) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
32) Debug - ang ipis
33) Defrag - ang palaka
34) Defense - ang bakod
35) Defer - ang balahibo
36) Deflate - ang plato
37) Detest - ang eksamin
38) Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
39) Devote - ang boto
40) Dilemma - brownout!, a!
41) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
42) Forums - apat na kwarto
43) July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
44) Liturgy - what comes after litur F
45) Thesis - ito ay...

Understanding Accents

Root of problem: The Chinese name - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? (anyone)

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?


Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone) And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about ?


Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!


Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry)

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

High Technology

TWO YOUNG LADIES AND AN OLD WOMAN
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER ,SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.'

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED,
'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE ,I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.
NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID......
' WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX ' !!

Enthusiastic Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

" Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady

**********
MORAL: Gather All resources before working on any project...!! !

Makabagong Domestic Helper

Sa sobrang daming DH na college grad, eto na ang makabagong pinoy na DH.....

* Isang makabago at Modernong Inday na iyong masasaksihan dahil
kailangang pang "Global" na tayo!
*
"I believe that my trained skills and expertise in management with the
use of standard tools, and my discipline and experience will contribute
significantly to the value of work that you want. My creativity,
productivity and work efficiency and the high quality of outcomes I can
offer will boost the work progress..."

sagot ni Inday sa interview ng bago nyang amo!

"Potatoes, when consumed in their raw state are rapidly converted to
glucose that raises insulin levels because of its simple sugar. When
cooked in high temperatures like French fries, they produce large amount
of free radicals in the body causing aging, clotting, inflammation,
cancer, weight gain. One French fry is worse that one cigarette."

sagot ni Inday sa amo nya kung bakit di sya nagluluto ng French fries.
(Nutritionist din pala si Inday!)

"It's absurd! It was never a fact that he will inflict a fight. I can
only imagine how you can handle schizophrenic kids on this educational
institution. Revise your policies because it sucks!"

Inday kasama si Junior sa principal's office. (Tulala ang principal)
"Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages
and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment inflicted
upon you!"

Inday, pinagbabawalan ang mga bata na wag malikot

"Nurture others with positive, ruthful words, not words that hurt. It
doesn't cost anything to do so. But mean what you say, and say what you
mean. If you cannot be generous financially, at least be generous with
your words."

yan ang sabi ni Inday nung di sya pinautang at pinagmumura pa ng amo nya

"Dear Sir/Madam,

Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my
proposal to upgrade your household facilities. I have already made
initial survey of current market prices. Note however that prices could
vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and
demand which we also monitor on an hourly basis."

si Inday, nagpapaalam para mamalengke!

"The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased
amount of sodium chloride affected the taste drastically and those
actions are irreversible. I do apologize."

nageexplain si Inday kung bakit maalat ang ulam (aba, career much si Inday!)
"Listening to the nonsense talk about someone's life is a pathetic way
of entertainment. It doesn't contribute to the good of the society. I
hate character assassinators!"

reklamo ni Inday ng natsismis sya ng kapitbahay! (di ko kinaya si Inday!)

Amo: Bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!

Inday: A change in weather patterns might have occurred, wreaking havoc
to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the
gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was
heading for.

Amo: (nosebleed!)

Philippine jokes

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo?? Police: DNA na...

REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???

Police: "Di Namin Alam "

Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya

Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical

Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"

"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano

ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!

TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"

Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun sa pwesto ng manager natin na kamamatay lang?

Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya.

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba ang tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?

bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?

bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!

Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?

Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!

Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:

Bush: "Lets help one another..."

Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. .."

Bush: "...let's strive together..."

Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."

Bush: "...because in union there is strength."

Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"

Erap writing on a slum book: Favorite Actor:

Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)

Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)

Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)

Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)

Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)

Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)

Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)

Arnold Clavio

Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka

Pare 2: Madali lang yan pre, sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)

Pare 1: Di pa rin e

Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)

Pare 1: Wala pa rin

Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo uli isundot sa bibig mo ... pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!

Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?

Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..basta pareho po yan walang laman!

Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan? Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!

ANG NAKARAAN....

May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga? DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!

SA PAGPAPATULOY. ... Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang resulta

ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila! =)

TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?

STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!

TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.

JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell. ?

ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.

FPJ: Anong problema?

ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...

FPJ: Anong title?

ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"

BUNSO: Tay , may multo daw sa kusina natin?

TATAY: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sa iyo nyan?

BUNSO: Si ate po!

TATAY: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! Wala namang multo eh! Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at iinom lang ako ng tubig...

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....

TINDERO: Wala kame ubas

KINABUKASAN??

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas.....

TINDERO: Wala kame ubas

KINABUKASAN ULIT??

BATA: Mama, pabili nga po ng ubas....

TINDERO: Sinabi na ngang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko na yang bibig mo!

AT KINABUKASAN NA NAMAN ULIT??

BATA: Mama, may stapler kayo?

TINDERO: Wala..

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas

PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?!?!

ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...

MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?

MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe! Hik,

MRS: Lasing ka no? MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik

MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?

Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?

Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?

Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.

Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?

The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...

Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!

Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!

Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!

Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?

Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?

Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?

Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.

Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po... manawagan na kayo.

Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!

Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera. Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung talagang daddy mo nga yung nasa loob!"