Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Health and Sanity

19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9 As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're not in the Mood.

16 . Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Bottom."

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

'Fake' Eggs in China?

Is this True?

During a recent raid on a wholesale centre in Guangzhou city, the capital of China 's Guangdong province, a large quantity of fake eggs was seized.

Their wholesale price is 0.15 yuan (S$0.03) each - half the price of a real egg.
Consumers have a hard time telling a genuine egg from a fake one. This is good news for unscrupulous entrepreneurs, who are even conducting three-day courses in the production of artificial eggs for less than S$150.

A reporter with Hong Kong-based Chinese magazine East Week enrolled in one such course.
To create egg white, the instructor - a woman in her 20s - used assorted ingredients such as gelatin, an unknown powder, benzoic acid, coagulating material and even alum, which is normally used for industrial processes.

For egg yolk, some lemon-yellow colouring powder is mixed to a liquid and the concoction stirred. The liquid is then poured into a round-shaped plastic mould and mixed with so-called 'magic water', which contains calcium chloride.

This gives the 'yolk' a thin outer membrane, firming it up. The egg is then shaped with a mould. The shell is not forgotten. Paraffin wax and an unidentified white liquid are poured onto the fake egg, which is then left to dry.

The artificial egg can be fried sunny-side up or steamed. Although bubbles appear on the white of the egg, those who have tasted it say the fake stuff tastes very much like the real thing.

But experts warn of the danger of eating fake eggs. Not only do they not contain any nutrients, a Hong Kong Chinese University professor warned that long-term consumption of alum could cause dementia

Age 50.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at newsagents to buy a newspaper.Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald 's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girlreplies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,"Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.

Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,and says,"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's! "

Barangay Tahimik

Natuloy na. Call sa Friday. May alam sa tabi ng Kembangan, pero na uwi sa Lau Pa Sat. Ok lang din.

Pagkakataon na mag-meet ang mga boys dahil may license na ang mga Mister to attend from mga Misses.

Ito ang ebidensya. Long time no hear dahil busy ang lahat.

Wala lang baka gusto mag get together ulit, chicka chika lang. Mahirap dami plano pa... kaya biglaan na lang.

Gusto sa Friday night, dyan sa Kembangan dahil may Satay at Chinese Food restaurant na ok naman price, kahit 1 or 2 for the road lang, or suggest kayo place like buffet or steam boat.

Hindi bale sa Lau Pa Sat na. Happy ang lahat.

Dementia Test

Test for Dementia
Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race! You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you areabsolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question: V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... .Maybe.

Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfullyexpresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair ofsunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like you!

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE

A Story of Real Love

This is a story from University of the Philippines (Diliman) about a young college girl who passed away last month.Her name was Summera. She was hit by a dumper truck. She had a boyfriend named Arif. Both of them were true lovers. They always hung on the phone.

You could never see her without her cell phone. In fact she also changed her phone from Globe to Smart, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost and get good network coverage. She spent half of the day talking with Arif. Summera's family knew about their relationship. Arif was very close with Summera's family. (Just imagine their love). Before she passed away she always told her friends "If I pass away please bury me with my hand phone" she also said the same thing to her parents. After her death, people couldn't carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn't, everybody including me, had tried to carry the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually,they called a Feng Shui Master. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here". Then her friends told the Master about her intentions to bury her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and places her phone and SIM card inside The casket. After that they tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked.

Summera's parents did not inform Arif that Summera had passed away. After 2 weeks Arif called Summera,s mom. Arif:"I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me.Dont tell Summera that I'm coming home today, I wanna surprise her." Her mother replied..... "You come home first, I wanna tell you something very important." after he came, they told him the truth about Summera. Arif thought that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said "don't try to fool me - tell Summera to come out, i have a gift for her Please stop this nonsense".

Then they showed him her grave. He said... "It's not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me. Arif was shaking. Suddenly, his phone rang. "See this is from Summera, see this..." he showed the phone to Summera,s family. All of them told him to answer. He talked using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard his conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It was the actual voice of Summera & there was no way others could use her SIM card since It was nailed inside the coffin. They were so shocked and asked for the Feng Shuie Master's help again. The Master brought his co-masters to solve this matter. He & his co-masters worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing...

Smart has the best coverage. Where ever you go,their network follows!